I'm 32 years old, and therefore should consider myself pretty darn lucky to have grown up with my grandmothers. We're even more lucky to have had them around as great grandmothers to Annabelle. And yet, lucky, just doesn't seem to be the right word when we lose them.
I’ve lost my last Grandmother. I’ve lost both in the past 5 months. One by one, so quickly, those solid family rocks have left us. Each time, a bigger hole in our lives, and with it, a greater need to live up to all that they were as we try to move on.
Annie’s Great Grandma Metzka raised seven children, seven girls….(I feel like I could just stop there…pretty hard to say much more than that! But oh, there’s more…) She was the warm and cozy Grandma, the cookie baking and the bedtime story reading Grandma. She sewed when we were young, making me everything from Halloween costumes, to pajamas, to some prized homemade Care Bears. I spent most mornings there during grade school, she would make me breakfast, and I would walk to school from her house. And many evenings I’d return for dinner as well. I have countless memories of giant family gatherings in the old house and the new, running and playing with my cousins - and Grandma was the hub of it all. The smell of dove soap still reminds me of taking a bath at Grandmas. And I still can close my eyes, and picture crawling into bed upstairs in the old house, bedroom on the right, with the crisp clean sheets, my golden book of choice on the bed, and a nice fresh glass of water on the nightstand, running my hands along the chenille bedspread…an overnighter at Grandma’s was always cozy.
She told me she loved me a million times. She told me how proud she was, how perfect we were, how beautiful and smart her little Annabelle was. I’m not sure I’ll ever find such a fan in life again. She thought we were flawless, and we loved to believe her ;) She was the epitome of unconditional love. At 92, she was never done, never tired, never wanted to be out of the loop -- every time we saw her, she wanted more, more time with us, more stories of our days, and wanted to know when we would be back.
Our last few visits with Grandma were fantastic. I have recently learned not to take any time for granted, so I’m happy to have the memories we made just before our time was over. Just over a month ago, Annie and I spent the morning at Great Grandmas, and I asked Grandma if she had a family tree, or knew of any family history. Siiiillly me! Grandma went to the back bedroom and hauled out a binder, not just a little binder…a ten pounder FULL of family tree info that she had started on in the 70’s. She was ecstatic to talk about it, she wanted to read every page with me, and tell me who was who, and what she knew of their whereabouts now. It was INCREDIBLE! (I consider myself a family tree buff…but I gotta say, I was lost after a page or two - our family tree, is a bit more like a forest!) She was so excited that I was interested, and was very concerned if a page was out of order…she told me Linda had started helping her get it together years ago, and hoped they could finish it and update it. I hope I can help carry out that wish.
Another recent Grandma moment…the day my Grandma Fitz died, we were at Grandma Metzka’s. It was bitter sweet to be mourning one Granny, while trying to soak up the moments with the other. However, up until that day, Grandma had always said she was sad, but her arms were too weak and she was afraid to hold Annie, she didn’t want to drop her. That day, we walked in, Grandma didn’t say a word, she just scooped Annie up. I watched, nervous that Annie would squirm away or be less than loving as toddlers can be at the worst moments. But they had a magical moment…Grandma’s arms were as strong as they were with that first of seven babies, and Annie locked eyes with Grandma and just smiled. And of course, I cried. :)
Grandma continued to scoop Annie up every time we visited, right up until our last visit. And every time, Annie was as loving and in awe as I could have hoped for - she knew she was being loved by one of the great ones.
I often asked Grandma for parenting advice. Afterall, after 7 children, and countless grandchildren and great grandchildren, she was more than an expert. I expected it to be routine for her. But she was looking at Annie and said “oooh my heavens, they’re just amazing aren’t they?!…each one is different from the next, I had seven, and never did it feel the same, each baby is it’s own little buddle of love. Some walk early, some talk late, you’ll never know what you’re doing, but you’ll always know why you’re doing it when you see them smile, or hear them say your name.”
I’m not ready to say goodbye, again. And I know, Grandma wasn’t either - she always knew there was more to see, more stories to hear, and more hugs to give. But she’s left us with the greatest gift of all…each other. Let’s remember that family - stay close, stick together, and keep giving those snug hugs with the back pat. Annie already knows the one :)
Daddy, Annie & Great Gramp B at Starved Rock.
