Just kidding. I'm full of words, meandering, destination-less, endless words.
In the past few months I have had a front row seat to birth and death. Simultaneously. If that doesn't fill you with words and non-stop philosophical thoughts, nothing will. Here I am sitting comfortably in what I assume to be the middle of my life (or near there), while I welcomed my son into the world and eased my mother out of this world. Amazing how similar our entrance and exits are, it's as if we all start and end in the same place. We begin our lives on one long walk, at some point, we turn around and head back to where we came from. Some realize when they've turned around and started home, but I'm guessing most of us will never really recognize that turning point. Just one day, we're there.
Anybody who has ever spent some time with me in a bar past 2 am during my 20's (and probably now, if I could ever find myself in a bar) knows, I'm not good with endings.
There's only one thing we all have in common, we're all gonna die. We all know this, I just can't wrap my head around it. Sure we're all small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Our physical existence is like a season, changing, evolving and ultimately ending. But while we're here, we are HUGE. We feel and we love, we succeed and we fail, we live...
My mother was my home. Past the age of five (the age of my oldest now, all in perspective), it was just Mom & Me. As a little girl, losing my mother was my biggest fear, I'm not entirely sure why, it was such an odd thing to obsess over so young. I thought about it far more than any grade school aged girl should have. I much preferred to host the sleepover than attend one, I liked knowing my mom was close. I could be down right clingy and anxious those early years. At some point, I aged a bit and mom no longer knew anything, we bickered often, "like two cats in a bag" she would say. Like most teenagers, I prided myself in doing the exact opposite of my mother's wishes, just to keep things interesting. But, she was always home to me, I always knew she was there.
Mom always wanted a big family, said she had always hoped to be a farm wife. She had picked out at least a dozen baby names. Things didn't go as she dreamed, she ended up with just little ol' me. I watched her struggle to raise me on her own, putting aside any wishes she may have had for herself, for me. She would tell me, "there are great men out there, if you find he right one, he will notice when you're struggling, and he will make your life easier, meaningful, you'll share everything, you'll feel loved, it can really be amazing..." She would go on and on of this fairy tale man. Advice from a woman running a broken household, I would roll my eyes and mumble, "sure mom, find Mr. Perfect and everything is roses, yeah, yeah..."
But subconsciously, I must have really hung on to that. True success to me has always been a happy, loving family. So far, I feel very successful, and that is a rosy feeling. Hmm, silly Mom was on to something...
Mom loved driving around, looking at Christmas lights, looking in neighborhoods we'd never afford, or just "seeing where that road goes". When I was a little girl, I would be nervous, "Mom, we don't know where we're going!" She would just laugh and say, "Robyn, the earth is round, if we get lost, we'll eventually end up back where we started. Relax."
To this day, I'm most comfortable when I set out on a trip, without a clear destination. I'll figure it out along the way. Besides, if I always knew exactly where I as going, I would eventually get there, and the journey would end. Not big on endings.
My mom would hum the same little tune to me each night and endlessly rub my back if I begged. I would catch myself humming that same little tune, whenever I needed soothing, never really realizing where it came from. Until I had my own children of course, then I would hum that tune to them. I instantly knew where it came from, her heart.
My mom made cakes. She made sweet, loving birthday cakes. I remember going to birthday parties where the cake came from the local bakery or grocery store and thinking, Oh my! Oh no! That poor kid doesn't have a mom that loves him! (Don't fret bakery cake Mom's, I know, you still love.) But a homemade birthday cake, with my name in mom's frosting handwriting = love. My mom never failed at that. Love.
My mom knew how to attract a crowd. For just being the two of us, our home was always filled with family and friends. My pals always knew where to get a hot meal and some extra motherly love. Mom had more than her dozen children over the years, one way or another.
My mom was a teacher. When she wasn't busy making me feel loved (which I think she made a full time job), she was working at the school. She hosted food drives, blood drives, after school clubs, all in addition to her general teaching duties. There were no shortage of compliments at her visitation, so many came to say "I am where I am now because of your mom", "your mom believed in me when no one else did", "there were so many times I wanted to quit, but your mom wouldn't let me give up".
Mom was the prom queen, back when the honor was given to beautiful people who were nice to everyone. She was indeed, nice to everyone. I'm almost bitter that she would always put everyone before herself, perhaps her health could have held up better had she focused more on herself. But that's just not who she was.
I can't imagine life without my mom. Remember the clingy, paranoid child I described? She somehow raised me to be darn independent despite my apron hugging tendencies. Mom was big on tough love. I would come home crying "someone made fun of me", "some kid pushed me"... Get back out there she'd say, if I solve your problems you won't learn a thing. Or my favorite "what did you do to them first?" Always devil's advocate Mom was. Oh how I just wanted her to tell me I was right and they were wrong, she could have thrown in a little sing songy "snookums, or buttercup or princess".
Never happened. Never.
I'm so much better for it. She loved me. She didn't live my life for me. Genius, that woman.
Now I'm still here, living my life, that she gave me...raising her grandchildren. She's still here, in all she left behind. I can't imagine a time without my mother, because it doesn't exist. Her impression on those she loved, is endless.
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